Recognizing the walls in a toxic relationship

Toxic relationships can creep into our lives in the most insidious ways. Often, they don’t start toxic — they become that way over time. When a relationship turns sour, it may not always be marked by explosive arguments or overt abuse. Instead, subtle barriers, or ‘walls’, emerge that deteriorate the quality of the relationship, leading to a toxic environment that can be hard to escape. Recognizing these walls is crucial in taking the first step towards healing or leaving a toxic relationship.

The Invisible Barriers of Toxicity

In a healthy relationship, communication flows freely, trust is abundant, and support is mutual. However, in a toxic relationship, invisible walls built on manipulation, lack of communication, and control begin to block the healthy exchanges necessary for a relationship to thrive.

Wall of Communication Breakdown

One of the first signs of a toxic relationship is the breakdown of open and honest communication. When one partner consistently avoids discussing issues, dismisses the other’s feelings, or refuses to acknowledge problems, a wall is built that prevents resolution and understanding. Fear of confrontation or the feeling that nothing will change even with discussion can further cement this barrier.

The Silence Treatment

The silent treatment, a form of emotional manipulation, is a clear brick in this wall. It’s a passive-aggressive tactic used to punish the other person without open dialogue, and it creates a gap where resentment can grow.

Wall of Control and Dependence

Another wall manifests in the form of control and dependence. In a toxic relationship, one partner may exert control over significant aspects of the other’s life, from finances to social connections. They may also foster an environment of dependence, making their partner feel as though they cannot function without the relationship, regardless of how unhappy they are.

Jealousy and Isolation

Extreme jealousy can often disguise itself as care, but in reality, it’s a form of control that builds walls around a partner, isolating them from friends and family. This isolation not only serves to control but also ensures that the controlled partner lacks a support system outside of the relationship.

Wall of Constant Criticism

Constructive feedback is an essential part of any relationship, but in a toxic one, criticism becomes a wall that is both high and wide. When one partner constantly criticizes the other, often about trivial things, it can chip away at the other’s self-esteem. This persistent disapproval creates an environment of chronic stress and anxiety for the recipient.

The Need to Walk on Eggshells

Living with constant criticism forces a partner to feel like they have to walk on eggshells, never sure what will trigger the next wave of disapproval. This state of hyper-awareness is exhausting and demoralizing.

Wall of Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a psychological tactic used to make a person question their own reality and sanity. When a partner lies, withholds information, or insists that events didn’t happen as they did, it’s a form of gaslighting. This wall is particularly dangerous as it can lead to the victim doubting their own perceptions and beliefs.

Rewriting Reality

By rewriting reality, the toxic partner gains power over the other’s sense of truth. This can leave the victim feeling helpless and dependent on the gaslighter for their version of reality.

Wall of Intermittent Reinforcement

In toxic relationships, affection and attention can come sporadically and unpredictably, creating a wall of confusion. This intermittent reinforcement can be incredibly addictive, as the partner on the receiving end becomes conditioned to wait for these moments of kindness amidst the negativity, much like a gambler waiting for a win.


Recognizing the walls in a toxic relationship is about acknowledging patterns of behavior that are harmful and not conducive to a healthy partnership. It requires honesty with oneself and often involves difficult decisions. The presence of these walls is a clear sign that a relationship is no longer a nurturing, supportive, and loving environment. Identifying and confronting these barriers is vital to ensure one’s emotional and sometimes physical well-being. By understanding the walls that can develop in a toxic relationship, we equip ourselves with the knowledge to either repair or leave the toxic environment behind for a healthier life.